I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
