guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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