The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
