Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
