Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I believe in your delicious
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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