A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
