i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
