Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Randomize
