So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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