Got a toothbrush?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
