If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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