why didn't you poke me back
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
