Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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