Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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