its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
