Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
