Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
