There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
