Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
