my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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