i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
