I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
