my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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