the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
