HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
