dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
