kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize