The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
