im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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