haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
