You're a womanizer and a bitch.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
