How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
