Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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