toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I got chris browned last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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