Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
