Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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