We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
