Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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