Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
