Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
