If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
