Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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