you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
