I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
