Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The Olympian is in my bed
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
