Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
