I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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