I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
