I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
