I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
