If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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